I’m sitting here at my desk tonight, thinking. I’m listening to Miles Davis mp3s and thinking. I’m thinking about the past and where I thought I’d be and where I am. I’m thinking that the me of high school would hate the me of now, what with my obscenely broad and non-defined taste in music, my fairly plain style of dress, my short hair, and my Apple computers. I think that I’m not a huge fan of the me of high school anymore though. Sure, he’s still a good friend, but he had all those qualities that I’ve worked to rid myself of: the self loathing, the reactionary dislikes, the need to be contrary, the inability to match clothing, and various other minute details. He was angry, at himself and at everyone else. I’m just not. Well, scratch that, I am angry, but it’s a different kind of anger. It’s a “let’s do something positive about it” kind of anger. It’s more of an urge, or a propulsion, not an anger. He was just angry. He was mad at himself, and took it out on everyone else.
As for the self-loathing, that comes and goes. It’s not a constant state of mind anymore, which is good. But I think that anyone who’s completely happy with who they are isn’t growing as a person. If I was always happy with myself, then why would I try to get better? I don’t have an answer for that either, there probably isn’t one. I like to think about all the differences between then, the first time I felt I had a real identity, and compare it to now, since I obviously feel I have an identity currently. I come up with a really bizarre answer. There’s no real way to compare. It’s all part of the same person. Sure, I can look at what I wore, or what I listened to, or what I espoused to believe, but it’s all the same. Well, it’s all different, and that’s what makes it the same. One thing I’ve always held true, privately more-so than publicly, is that there are no absolutes, and change is the only contradiction to that rule. We all change throughout our lives, and we should accept and deal with it. So maybe the me from a few years back who wanted to be (but failed at being) vehemently straight edge in friends and relationships would think the me of today is pretty lame, but that’s part of growing up. The older you are, the smarter and the wiser you are. You can keep the idealism that you’ve always had, but see the greys in the world. You can even gain new ideals and blend them with your old ones. Growing up is kind of cool that way.
I’m not sure what the point of this was. I guess I’m just a little tired, and the candles are making me woozy.
Good night.
justinª